Exclusive: Secret Transcript of the Republican Senate Caucus

Our Champion has died. What will happen to us now, and to the image we cherish of a better world, a world where all people are armed and white, where everyone engages exclusively in heterosexual, marital sex, and God sends us babies every nine months?

Who will preserve the sanctity of that world for us, now that our Champion is gone?

Not the Supreme Court. That Muslim terrorist who took over the White House is preparing to send another traitor to take our Champion’s seat—this time the sex-crazed, gun- and God-hating radicals will take control.

[ALL] No, no, no. We can’t let that happen.

But what can we do? The Constitution says—

Never mind what the Constitution says. We’re talking about protecting the legacy of our age’s great jurist, our textualist scholar, the inventor of Originalism. Ask yourself, what would He do if he were still with us?

You’re right. What did he do to defend our second amendment rights in District of Columbia v. Heller?

Well, he just ignored the first clause because he didn’t like where it was going, and interpreted the second clause with his usual textualist precision to make it say what he wanted. That was a jurist.

And in Gore v. Bush—he didn’t mess around with precedents and principles. He just decided who he wanted to win, and worked back from there.

And attached an ingenious ‘Don’t anyone ever try to do this again’ clause—

Because he cared about the Original Intent of the Constitution so much he wanted to preserve it—

Exactly—

Except when he didn’t.

So where does that leave us?

Well, as I see it we have two choices: we either just ignore the nomination clause, and deny that the President’s right to appoint justices exists at all—

Yeah. Who reads the Constitution anyhow?

Or we invent a precedent that says that the President only appoints justices before his final year in office, and never during it.

But does that make any sense? I mean, his term is four years—

Who cares? It’s our position, and we have a majority. Are you on this team, or what?

Yeah, I guess. But suppose that sneaky Obama tries to sneak someone onto the courts when we aren’t looking, the way he got that Communistic Affordable Care Act past us? How can we stop a crypto-Communist like that?

I know—we’ll keep the seat filled till we get a President who understands us. We'll stick in somebody like … Ted Cruz here.

[All] No, no no. Not that asshole.

Or somebody else. Maybe one of those nice Bushes.

[All] No, no, not another one.

Well, how about Trump? He’s got the votes. Isn’t he one of us, deep down?

[A pervasive silence]

Hmmm. Maybe not. Well, we’ll figure that out later. The main thing is, how do we keep the seat from going vacant in the meantime?

Yes, who can possibly fill our Champion’s seat in his absence?

No one—that’s the problem.

Well, OK, desperate times call for desperate solutions. Here’s what we do: we’ll keep the Champion in his seat. We’ll have him stuffed—

Like Trigger—

And keep him there, glaring down at plaintiffs and the Solicitor General, till we can get a decent replacement.

But what about his wit, his warmth, his humor, his derogatory remarks and insulting questions? He won’t be able to say anything at all…

Yeah, he’ll be another Clarence Thomas.

Yes, but even dead, he’ll be paying more attention. It’s the best we’ve got.

You’re right—we'll say it's Habeas corpus. Now let’s go find the body …